Although most parents choose to find out their baby’s sex before birth, it is always an option to wait and make it a surprise. Several factors can influence this decision. This episode responds to a listener who is torn between finding out and waiting and needs help navigating a disagreement with her partner. Hear the pros and cons of finding out early, learn about all of your options for discovering your baby’s sex, and explore how to handle the emotions and logistics that come with making this choice during pregnancy.

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Hi Vanessa,

Your show is my favorite podcast for pregnancy, and I recommend it to everyone. Thank you for all your work to help us be informed.

Since we found out I was pregnant, my husband and I have planned on not finding out the sex of our baby until birth. Early on, that seemed like a fun idea, but as time goes on, I’m not sure I can wait. I have my anatomy scan coming up soon, and I know that we will be able to find out the sex at that appointment. The closer I get to this appointment, the more I can’t take it and have to know if we are having a boy or a girl. My husband still wants to wait, and we cannot come to an agreement.

I know it is just a few more months to wait, but I am so curious and excited. It feels like I would feel more connected and better prepared if I knew. At this point, I am starting to think that maybe the compromise is that I find out at the anatomy scan and then don’t tell him. That way, it is still a surprise for him when the baby is born, but I get the peace of mind I need right now.

I am hoping you have a point of view that maybe one of us is missing, or some ideas for how we can come to an agreement on this. I really want us both to feel good about whatever we decide.

Thanks again for everything!

Sincerely,

Hailey

Hailey, thank you for your email and for recommending the podcast to friends. I am so glad you are finding it to be helpful. It sounds like you and your husband are in a bit of a disagreement over whether to find out the sex of your baby. Let’s discuss some things that may help the two of you get on the same page.

Should You Wait to Find Out?

There are both pros and cons to waiting to find out the sex. If you wait until your baby is born, it can be a fun surprise. A downside is that you may need to choose two names, one for a boy and one for a girl. Parents who choose to let it be a surprise typically opt for gender-neutral baby items. For many expecting parents, knowing the sex of their baby isn’t just about colors or names. It is a way of connecting with who their child is and imagining their life as a parent.

Ways to Find Out Your Baby’s Sex

For most of human history, parents had no choice but to wait until birth to find out whether they were having a boy or a girl. It was not until the 1980s that ultrasound technology made it possible to know the sex during pregnancy. Today there are several ways to find out before your baby is born including genetic testing, at-home kits, and ultrasound.

Genetic Testing

Several types of genetic testing can also reveal your baby’s biological sex, although that is not usually their primary purpose. For example, a non-invasive prenatal test (NIPT) can be done in the first trimester. This blood test analyzes small fragments of your baby’s DNA circulating in your bloodstream and can determine the sex with high accuracy. More invasive tests, such as chorionic villus sampling (CVS) and amniocentesis, can also identify your baby’s sex as part of a diagnostic test for chromosomal abnormalities.

At-Home Blood Tests

One option some parents choose is an at-home blood test, like the one offered by the company SneakPeek. This test allows you to take a blood sample at home as early as six weeks and mail it in for analysis. The company reports a 99% accuracy rate. While many users report accurate results, some have shared that the test was incorrect for them. If you consider this option, it is important to follow the instructions carefully. You also have the option to visit a participating clinic in your neighborhood for a blood draw.

Ultrasounds

The most common way to find out your baby’s sex is through an ultrasound. The anatomy scan, typically done between 18 and 20 weeks, offers a good opportunity to see your baby’s sex organs.

Some parents explore elective 3-D or 4-D ultrasounds earlier than the typical anatomy scan, often through boutique ultrasound studios. While these can be appealing, it is essential to note that several major organizations, including the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG), the FDA, and the World Health Organization, advise against non-medical ultrasounds. Their concern is that these scans are often performed by individuals without medical training, and that ultrasound should be reserved for medically necessary purposes.

My Personal Experience

Hailey, it might be helpful for me to share my own experience, since I have approached this both ways. With my first baby, we decided to wait to find out the sex until birth. It truly was a fun and special surprise. I had two names ready, one for a boy and one for a girl. Plus, all of the baby clothes and gear were gender-neutral. There was a lot of yellow and green, and not much pink or blue. For my second pregnancy, we ended up finding out the sex at the anatomy scan. To be honest, I had wanted to wait to find out. But my partner really hoped for a girl, and we knew this would likely be our last baby. I was concerned that if we waited until birth and it turned out to be another boy, he might feel disappointed in that moment. We decided together that it made more sense to find out ahead of time so we could process any feelings, get excited, and prepare together.

When You and Your Partner Disagree

Disagreements are a natural part of any relationship. Pregnancy can bring up a lot of decisions where you and your partner may not see eye to eye. This is a great opportunity to practice communication and collaboration, skills that will serve you well throughout your parenting journey. First, it is completely okay to change your mind. Even if you originally agreed to wait, it is valid to feel differently now. As your pregnancy progresses, your emotions, needs, and priorities can shift. Also, wanting to find out the sex of your baby ahead of time is understandable. It can help you feel more prepared, make decisions about names, and start forming a more concrete picture of your life with your child. Just as your partner’s desire for a surprise comes from a meaningful place, so does your need for certainty and connection.

A Compromise You May Consider

Hailey, you mentioned the idea of finding out the sex at your anatomy scan and keeping it a secret from your husband so that it remains a surprise for him at birth. While that might sound like a fair compromise, that can be a difficult secret to keep. Even small things like clothing choices, slips in conversation, or changes in how you talk about your baby could give it away unintentionally. It is likely your husband would figure it out before your baby arrives.

There is another option that might give you both something you want. At your anatomy scan, you can ask the ultrasound tech to write down the sex of your baby and place it in a sealed envelope instead of revealing it in the room. That way, the information is available, but the timing of when you find out becomes a shared decision. You and your husband could choose to open the envelope during a gender reveal party with loved ones or in a private moment, just the two of you. This hybrid approach offers the chance to honor the original plan of waiting while creating a new shared experience that still allows for some flexibility.

Talking it Through Together

Communication is key when you and your partner do not see eye to eye. Set aside time for an open, honest conversation where each of you can share why this matters to you. You may find that one or both of you are making assumptions about the other’s reasoning or feelings. Maybe one of you is seeking a stronger emotional connection, while the other is holding on to the magic of a surprise. Neither is right or wrong, just different. When you both feel heard and understood, it becomes easier to move forward with a solution that honors both perspectives, even if it means meeting somewhere in the middle.

Run it by Your Doctor or Midwife

If you and your husband continue to feel stuck, consider bringing it up with your doctor or midwife. While this is not a medical issue, your care provider has likely seen many couples navigate similar situations. They may be able to offer insight, share what other families have done, or simply give you a neutral perspective that helps move the conversation forward. Sometimes just hearing an outside voice, especially from someone who understands the emotional dynamics of pregnancy, can make a big difference.

Looking at the Bigger Picture

Hailey, I love that you said you want both of you to feel good about whatever decision you make. That mindset will serve you so well throughout parenthood. A big part of parenting is learning to make decisions based on the information you have in the moment. Many times there is no single right answer. This decision may feel really significant right now. Months or years from now, what you will remember most is not when or how you found out the sex of your baby. What will matter is how you and your partner supported each other through this, respected each other’s feelings, and made the decision as a team.

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